i thought i may change names but there is nothing in here one should need to hide...
there is nothing to be coy about. Indeed only purity.
I cannot help it if i hear about a Katarina and.... healthily am returned in my head to my own simply life saving experiences... that year.
Because they still ARE what is only me... no matter what any other person may assume. You dont experience the journey i had starting early 92.... and ever go off on some other pathway. I said for years and know its still true " my DNA shifted ... twisted entirely ...one afternoon in a frint room, and never can twist back"
My life is still defined by that year. That day. Always will be
---
waffled this morning
I thought yesterday was the end... but then inadvertantly in the midst of the cocksure men gathering today in first light who NEED ...to have something special about THEM....
" surf's up!"
i am sad, really for them, but it reminded of what i may have 'needed' to define my own empty pretence of a life... all consuming and performing and even 'experience' is empty...
...only one thing ever really centres us... not being us
At last! 30 plus years i have within more than a 'story'...
never ever even fully described. ..
Today, kairos day.
Nothing more to say.
...except.....
reason i really decry assumptions and all identity theft- people judging and measurung one by their knowledge of others
No one could stop and think someone just may have inside a period of life far more than any 'story' that simply caused them to be aside ALL consumerist and workshopping a new way of 'BEing' ... they dont work. And be quite different....
I found what did: putting something more important, first. Always.
Purpose book 5. Katrina 1992 BE ...ing.. the antidote to the 'self'.
yesterday afternoon
the end
Purpose book 5 the end.
https://open.substack.com/pub/ralphschism/p/purpose-book-5-the-end?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Hardest words to say five or so years on. But best thing... " I loved her kids equally to my own new one..."
but then you LIVE with someone...my own... you synchronise entirely with one other human..... your body is in total onness with theirs...communally...every physical adpect, sound, smell, then aspect of unique personality as it arises.
. and in time that i guess elevates that equal 'love' to something even higher: sharing our lifespace.
But everyone must complicate it....
fuckem i know whats what...i was most atomised self contained successful 'renaissance' free person of them all ( though bleak and lost under the mask..in fact INHUMAN).. until out of the blue, the remedy came along...
the most perfect black swan ever
And you dont 'change' back...
photos vids loadsa fun stuff to come... because i dont NEED to care what anyone may think of me.... without meaning that "arrogantly"... because of the pathway i fell onto in 92
But..... afterword, what's 'it' really about?
All notion of what is a good life, all 'practice' of any practice; workshopping: " come dance with me", all of it...
Is crap.
All words so popularised by the awful new (largely private school educated) bored boys like even 'meditate', never mind 'awareness', or ZEN or mindful.... are utter crap. It is ALL CRAAAAAAP... there is only being calm and meaning it, when what we know is the best ever thing by far in our life, is limited - our appetites restricted as we learn that is NOT about us...
Only accomodation for real over REAL life matters...
not fuckin workshops or little official "community" segments of the day... not in our home, or 'space' are real. Actual accommodation with one person who we have similar views to... and you have to live it and it takes time to evolve....
And everything else is crap. That gold no one can make money from, so they don't want to tell THAT story of course.....or have a facebook page with that as the business name
i have to add to this afterword
later
