A little 'chapter' - to me the word 'post' is silliest ever, and seemingly outdated in that you all are giving up your 'social' media - i never took to, saw through it all years ago...
and made a little error thirteen ago, to get preggers someone who used it a lot (i knew about neither of these things...my my thats a story...but even she was so lost there is no point, and the good thing about her, her collection of taxidermy, she turned the pelt...pelt...against me...when it became necessary to speak a little truth....no idea what hers was !)
Anyway, the most poignant ever lovelorn yet energised - for the RIGHT reasons, six months of my life has i guess ended.
This chapter should be entitled "LISTEN"... no not the listen to me version, just listen...
She started me at it - even if seven years i make many audio records of this and that.
The dawn audio.
Sat in jaloppy, so usefully stranded - stuck, Olympus recorder on and waffle a bit, for her...
But..usually i let the birds speak first.A dawn chorus happens even in January, if you live in the woods, and are always up to listen...
Nothing much in the half hour audios, for her,after the me letting the birds be heard, first,of any use, of course...even if every atom of my unatomised soul in them.
But i didnt know of the microphone on this video camera is any good - picks up REALITY - as in above, the birds singsonging, for 'me' - is so much part of it!
But... what can one say, i visit the towns occasionally (i know her name hahh hahh... a week ago... now there is a story THERE....to be told...soon...i shouldn't know her name, when we had simple sanity i wouldnt know her name....but in the all must shout and be heard shouting we seem to have, even THERE...well, i do..)
One thinks one matters, has some wisdom to share - with Aoife for example - i shall come back to her... so interesting; But it is all a bit 'manic' - the real life human version of that word. Even I - years of sublime quiet what is life but full of care, staring... get above myself in the towns.
(even if on Weds i interviewed myself with UCH grace on someone elses 'vlogging' channel - i could never ever do that before - two fat Northerners, filming, their travels - for their review channel, i just picked up their rolling camera in the town square and pointed it at myself and interviewed myself....
I TOUCHED their £400 gopro... the one before latest model,because they told me the TRUTH - they are utter rubbish - unreliable crap...
And as we had (only in five minutes)bonded, over the TRUTH... they didnt even blink an eye when i TOUCHED their expensive little piece of crap they were filming the square with...as t was left rolling filming the scene..
And we bonded further - i let go...was only Montaigne... and half an hour later we parted best of new friends..
Anyway back to...ehhh
so yes three days of thinking i matter, and a rather good three days..
LOADS of 'footage' - i mean 50 gigabytes i have to upload from the last 4 weeks..
That is in a SEQUENCE - tells, first draft of a few stories...that are only universal, but the true versions no one else dares bother with
I return to this track - a recent find in fact, that has a section with very good signal - i was here 4 nights ago, for the first time...
so as to save time and energy uploading at a faster rate..
Not last night t would seem - my my i had everything perfectly set up for the first 5 gb one....
But it seems the signal has drifted elsewhere... that is the way of nature,the rural fringes - in fact not quite so as the signal is often reliably, here, sat in that tree facing that direction, but never there... (only incomers and tourists, with their cars even eating signal nowadays, change it... winter reliable signal in spots here and there - summer you are fuckerated..)
Anyway i came here as i knew crap weather, no tourists eating my signal, too wet to wander ills and be healthy, but it seems the sky fairies have other ideas... utterly hopeless signal and i left the phone on all night uploading..
And then.... never mind the quiet, the track at least for some walking up and down, here i am... lastereve... knowing ALL is a waste of time...everyone lives in weird fear and ghostly contempt of even me
And as i set up, balancing phone AWAY from car innards - on something not metalic... thus no 'faraday cage' as the smartarses like to call meal to interfere with the magic.. thereby best upload speeds..
up walks
just 20 m away from me..up that roadtack... bambi...
All shy, tentative steps.... carefully "hmm what is this hard surface"... and we, Bambi and I
sat and stared...
no care
just being
My windsceen misted so she couldnt see me properly - she had that look on her face "what prey is this ugly thing...will it hurt me, or can i eat it?"
And no, i wouldnt dream of getting a camera out, because some 'moments' are for reminding one, we are nothing, Bambi is entirely my equal as an entity... BEing.. just alive. And of course one gets back on ones perch and is reminded that one must have a air bt of this - Bambi and me moments, too... as all the fancy pants town life is so noisy (in an egoism way) , so actually not important - does nothing much to help how to live...
Now, i know Thoreau has done that ..as have others (never ever do Richard Maybe - utter total lost fraud)
But i am better. I have lived WELL - always...constantly...always happy, never ever one moment of real angst... and helped many in communities, no one knows about (i am now retired, waste of time they all just want junkies as neighbours now as it is a cheap thrill for them - the melodrama)
My Maybe cure - well i dot believe in the word 'cure' - works...always...it worked for me, and i had to traverse abysses far far deeper than his self pitying one...
And never ever even had one anaesthetising drink, or lost more than about 3or 4 nights always perfect sleep...in 13 years...
despite the worst of hells...
One day you may see.
