Not 'now' tomorrow.

 So, if one is in any way connected with children, either existing or maybe even  to be...

All this ridiculous living in the 'moment' which is all i ever do... is a total fallacy, so as to DO nothing, about all that matters, which is will there be any fishies in the rivers or sea to nibble their lil' toes, ass they did mine twenty seven years ago when she dipped them in, suspended over  the local river ... and smiled with such glee 

And i never even use the word 'wuwu' or is it if you are more happenin' 'Wu'? as that's all nonsense and just an avoidance strategy...

Avoiding what REALLY is the ....environmental problem?

And there we are.... lets just put it this was in my ongoing livin'-annals, that really are finished as nobody ever ever follows through with anything ever, where i keep an ongoing audio diary of the Suzi tapes " luv i know how your mind REALLY works more than you even if we're on the opposite sides of Nige's fence.... you have the smallest chip on your shoulder, still....  just a little sore from the private schoolgirls of Surrey who had a Slazenger racket, and maybe your mum could only manage a Woollies.. (Woolworths - cheap store, on every High Street,  now gone) and the school not quite so elite as theirs...

"so....lets USE it! ...i have the background for you, now; its you who must mean what you say that you want to write it... that attacks them....and we both know there's cash innit for you..."

 Uninteresting for me. Everything is obvious for years even back in lasterregion, it was still about the silly little Ruperts who would begin to gather in Hay-on-Wye main square for any 'event'... as of about 2015 occasionally  i may go back to the once  free dentist there, and couldn't believe how it was reverting to about 1980 

 except with added very very expensive antique Landrovers now compulsory, and of course Corona or whatever cats piss beer the now far more druggie stripey shirt lads are into... 

by default at any "event"...  events dear boy events, and of course all their girls are event 'organisers'..

But this is of no interest even if one has to understand it, and to hear Suzi - river trust person, conning 'community' they will save theirs ... when these trusts are just for lonely middle aged ex townies to feel some 'connection' 

(ohh yes a photoshoot from xmas 2022 to publish soon,  a Presteigne large 'trust' had taken over the main charity shopbarn... dozens of them on the webpages - well fed healthy glowing middle aged great and good trustees...i think at least a  dozen, all incomers,  [VERY high resolution proper portrait mugshots too - that must have cost a bit as theres no local professiponal photography studio] for one VERY small town's  one main larger chairity shop that had been a regular charity shop years and years.. all glowing smilingly in their showoff trusteeships

 - audio recorded in the annals: " ehh... what is it twenty third december...??. still raining been a week now....... look i see that the old roof is dripping so much over in that area your charitable trust stock of fairly crap old furniture is being ruined even more by the waterfall...... weather forecast is its not going to stop for some days in fact only going to get worse....... . listen i havent got much on i can go and get a few tools and fix the roof a bit....temporarily at least... just a few hours work to tweek that gutter up there... put a tempoary fiix on the cracked plastic roofing there....last a few weeks so your stock isnt entirely ruined.... we need to care about every smallest bit of the planet even the shabby chic in here....  i wont charge anything...   just really for a bit of company.."

"  wonderful well nobody else has even suggested yes we could do a fix....i need to contact the trustees to just check if the insurance covers self employed freebies... i'll call you later today"

Two weeks later ....still dripping...no call) 

Britain lost it way way back ago....in fact that may have been 2019 winter i dont have purest memory though do have dozens of similar examples the last five years meandering...

They wouldn't be like that even in Holland .. (it's so sad the Europeans seem to think theyve lost it, too, when i KNOW they havent i speak to so many asking them about exactly such stories from my annals....)

Anyway item 1 THE best philosophy (there is a longer much better version of this in the can) of the soul mind and all that... being STUCK in the veruy worst place in the world over some years is THE one most philosophically positive and genuinely 'mindful' wellness hack of them all...if you realise it's not place its your head first that one has to be sure isnt leaking.... and having fixed your own roof, then you are prepared for anything in less pissy places..

me i have no 'place' but still one can get stuck even nowhere which is best of all... 

Item 2... (of about ten of late still to do) On the phone to my Suzi (narrator -  a real one unlike Homer's fake ) " bloody hell that IS interesting..... it would never even have occurred to me the Suthern so called environmentalists think that way...so neurotically..." ... " but do you get it.... the South East, which is the South West...is IN CHARGE.... of everything via Whitehall or Royal Courts policy... that's who THEY are Suzi i had no idea either..... and thus on xenobiotics, no hope... none.... they consider the other thing far more neurotically the end times..... you know by now surely certainly YOU can't change anyone...

" as i wasted about 267 hrs with you from four years ago us both agreeing, only GREAT culture can...

"but are the people even able to think any more...perraps the genius Polly 

 was takin' the piss a tad...or tellin' it in beautiful satirical poetry..... making PEEPS THINK....

"anyway i know one thing now..... she even she...failed...

"never mind no Yank infact able to listen to science.... the more they gobble as a babe .. the better off their whole lifelong immune system is for it.... it couldn't not be more crystalline clear  as day and the forever germphobic nightmare theyre all stuck in..... thats here far far more than even i ever knew"

never mind in yankland .... (comments from the one who they have as new 'testcase'.... on are the pills, excuse...for doin in all your kids? me i would give her the benefit of the doubt, and being ALL psych is IN DOUBT...... just give her a nice room for the rest of life behind a not too high fence... as one thing as sure as ferrits.. they ruin the rest of it...no yank can even hear...)

Home education!

 Now.... stupid AI merely confuses everything and is a lil' bully chucking around bags of acid sweeties when you want to find the one that you need, when you can't even search any more "what nationality was Suzi Hokum?"

all you get is silence, 

https://www.imdb.com/name/nm9009162/bio/

and this needing to tell who was 'first' ... 

Possibly the first female producer in pop music history and Lee Hazlewood's love and business partner in the 60's.

when what matters was a partnership! just like embezzler Moth Wynn of course they did it together....

and even if one were to ask it,  "who REALLY was Lorna..... ?" which one doesn't expect an answer to, and one must discover for onesself via the culture.

Anyway back to two truly fine Yanx, 

" ..over there... is the one snippet of maybe history when i watched the 1976 again a year back i realised she had set my whole moral compass not a fashionable word in Gweek, sadly ... that's what wuwu did to even her....

" wow you have it on your bookshelves! ...go home and reread it and you will find it's the ultimate pacifist tract or watch the NINETEEN SEVENTY SIX non silly sweaty Bean later version on The Tube,.... 

" but me i long ago knew there was the best of culture back in your place....  I'm sure Suzi was a Brit maybe i have miss Recalled...

" but the problem with here is that nobody ever any more actually does believe in a dream worth having on loop in a loopy world that hasn't changed that much all our lifetimes....... except now   they ALL sneer at you... especially if political commentariat...on the so called 'left'...

" and then the REAL problem is so much  terrible education, nobody educates even the half a generation below us that in fact there were some good changes sixties seventies... and eighties... it's just a constant dull battle don't take it to heart but don't hide away burning joysticks and dreaming up vomit buckets  for too long ... as that's what 'they want'... or rather they are wringing their hands with glee it was SO easy! for the people to turn themselves into mushy peas without the establishment having to lift a finger .....

"every tosser here for years says to everything in any attempted intelligent conversation  ' thats what they want ...to divide us... ' which is the ultimate excuse for never ever doing ANYthing....  even educate the kids, well....

" i knew the establishment and not one ever knew what they wanted  far too busy trying to decide if they wanted a  lil' boy for kicks or girlie....

"never mind knowing what LOYALTY means, never mind consistency, commitment, etc... all those simple oldschool words, which is the only way they actually do get the imaginary 'chem trails' to do what all the pathetic  so called Kae Tempests adjacenteratti,  know is going to gas them...or eat their hamsters...   and my minor experience of being inside the 'machine'  - true power adjacent, not one can remain loyal to a co 'conspirator' for long enough to share a pigfucking session on the Bullingdon boys dinner table.... 

"anyway i know the BEST of your land even moreso than you do....even you turned cynic.... so i gotta start at the top and educate youtoo.... ohh well about ten birds to the stone is fine with me.... i was planning to do just that rest of life anyway......do come back"

Now... they better mean what SHE said.......

 " lookeee here ... even if i was a very shy fey one... 

" Helena Faccenda....  an actual gun in her purse,as i would see later on.... picked up some lost sad lil' limey in a Gotham bar one night....

" ... and unlike limey ones run me around those potholled streets with no suspension in her lil'....

 [gosh i know nuthin about motors would never have guessed they were Kraut]

".... and we would  wander down past his big ugly modern silly penis extension on fifth avenue....  and EVERY single person wanderin' by looked down in disgust at the ridiculous bling.... he irrelevant, just a joke even then....

" ... i have some wonderful snaps of her sat on a stair....all done up in hairdye, in fact she drank a bottle of the 200% proof, for breakfast...and plastic skintight pants.... after checking the safety of her lil' gun.....

" a grin on her face... my my they were so ridiculously easily pleased, by a limey accent....

" anyway you couldn't get more of a real New York doll unlike that fake pussycat  band....

" but you know what i caught up with her a few  years later and we took the ferry over to her hometown...  one hundred percent Jersey Girl.... 

"but she had found true love....commitment.... and to see ..i mean she was that really wonky one before they existed,  the famous junky ... cant remember thisyears model Nancy thats it the Spungen one...killed OUR Sid.... .even if Helena never touched a drop of that.... 

".... anyway a year on... to be sat next to a sweet quiet lil' down home lassie all  undyed nutbrown hair.... simple ordinary clothes.... even wearing specs rather than her contacts she would always drop as she went over the potholes in the gone Karmann....

 nothing more to need to say, other than I am happy with my man..

"was extraordinary i shall never forget....anyone can change... even one of yoouse...

" anyway those fabulous fourteen year old Yankbabes i started it wityh them....but i couldnt say the strike item number three... no cleanin' ..no carin'..... we we do agree even if no one's told even you = 

fabulous New Jersey intellectual BABs-ajacent Jew

[ that impressed them they didnt even know of her perfect free speech lore, even if rather '....The Streisand effect is....']

".... until you have a babe in charge and it can be  the wonkiest one in history alike our Maggie... from whom we all learned, it's not just the blokes!

"equality means the worst of themtoo

" until you have a babe in the hot seat... the world can never ever be free....

"... all babe short lists, or else, SEX STRIKE... 

"only way you will EVER reach emotional/intellectual/ just chilled out, maturity"

" WE AGREE....right first thing when we get back.... "

Two agree with me in a just a couple of days...  that's not meant to even be a possibility

Ahhahhh but .... the opener: " ehhh ....no....  you have arrived in the very worse place in the world..... this whole county.... exactly a copybook even if they never read them... of West Coast wuwu wank insanity.... 

" so are you aware that rather a lot, even my own lass said and she went to two ultra wussy-wokiest universities.... and has MA in human rights - specialising even in her Batcheloress thesis those 'The Butcher' took revenge upon - their writings, them Bossies, back then.... 

"But then could she have understood the  truly devastating tragedy....  that almost worse than all the Greek tragedies put together, ever, no excuse for even Hurting a FLy.... that he got in a far far more hurty mood ...after his daughter shot herself in her head with his gun....to make some point..... rather than speak to him just maybe.... god what a devastating story your BBC hardly even allow....

"anyway... she was working to actually SAVE Gazan kids being shot in the bonce by drones or whatever.... saves brown lasses who come to London as largely economic refugees,  before it's not going so well and far too often making falsies so as to get the benefits... she doesn't judge even if she knows the real truth behind the Guardian headlines.... so often fantasy...

"but even she knew... that the woke, has puashed so many into the arms of The Orangeman....exactly whats also happened hear.... many people have had enough not so much the oligariat...but too much supressing speech....too much  so called gender insanity when the Supreme Court said a blokes a bloke a lass a lass..really rather unianimously.....the councils still wont listen...

" but forget all that it's the Californian wuwu wank - all the voodoo spiritual and all the divine frequency ... that in fact is even more tyrannical totalitarian....  

"even if so often trustifarian, 

funded... and just for CASH....

that means to those populists ballot boxes, they dash

well, that's what my lass ultra PROPPERprogressive perfect classic liberal i think

said....  even shetoo

had enough of vomit inducing wuwu

I said to her if i had Helena's lil' gun to my head and somehow had ended up there

 i would vote the babe... any even that mad Kamala one,  for the above reasoning, 

she said no dad i differ.... if t'were methere

dunno what he'll do on the Middle East, same ole at least

but merely on the freedom to speak..... as the root of all democracy

... for me..... it would have to be hold my nose, and vote big O

" and i still don't know which of us was right.... 

but don't tell anyone that, all we care about is what's NEXT.....

the one obvious solution to your 250 year old lil' problem

really rather tied in, too, with what they preach here

exactly why it's big daddy at the end of the day, or you never get up there....

" so yes nice roof....."

(one doesn't even have to look at 'analytics' - i never do...

 ...to tell that ones readership -  many thousands, are mainly English,  because when one begins to prove - via audios, that one is in the most ultra contented, ultra fit,  strong, centred, peaceful,   bulletproof zen state...  they begin to flow away..... half of them at least no longer come here....  a nation of weirdo sick, self crucifying masochists..... funny that also hopeless.... no imagination, so as to think ... hmm could there be one superb Englishman, father... wiseman..... humble chap playing in the park with his truly perfect seven year old.....  " ehh i am so glad they still say....'whatverrrrrr' she mad eme laugh..."  " yeahhh... she got the habit from me..."  who i am so so glad i decided,  why not nuthin' to lose lets see who he is to have such a truly amazing young lassie....i have enjoyed so listening to her the last half an hour....and her smaller sister as big as they get....astounding!....who could HE be...? )  

Ferkin cynics one and all meanies...i never gave up hope; even if he - yesteraft,  is the only one....

denk niet met je hoofd, maar voel het met je hart

 Now that's interesting, if one deepl's the above, you get exactly what she wrote.... Denk niet met je hoofd, maar voel het met je hart.

Usually translating even French to English via the computer there are so many variants, you may as well  be speaking Double Dutch...

(but what a truly interesting summer or late summer on the wireless 

The Deadliest Book in England 

But  because England is run by ridiculous weird sick Oxbridge nerds, who used to have a 'world' service and PBS in one but they fiddler AND spin " we are making radio wireless four BETTER by restricting the online to only domestic listeners..." the ordinary links don't work any more unless YOU USE VPN if abroad, in a sane country that isn't Britain     - now officially, as i was chatting with at last the WONDERFUL sane Yank couple yesterday  " today it was admitted by even UK bigwigs  -  they never simplify it to simple words like UK borrows FAR more from the 'international' finance markets than Youessay,  so those markets squeeze the UK far more than in your back home....so your double the national debt per person   is in fact equivalent to here.... and anyway it is now admitted that to quote the bigwig ' of all the richer western countries ' - about fifty of them he suggested, ' uk is now at the bottom of the class it is even more broke than Greece... ' 

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0030cff   )  

Anyway words.... (the Nigerian and i had a wonderful war of them, in ultra peace, as we have done for weeks, so peacefully - the perfect spiritual [if you must] Socratic dialogues....on the 'schemas'....  and then his fellow 'believer' comes along,  and to sit there as their referee for an hour was truly perfect - it summed it ALL up....   my god they were vicious it was a beautiful work of explosive art watching them  utterly going for each others jugular based merely on a definition of what so called 'satan' was up to... beyond hope, or sent down to the party so as to test us in ahiopeful way.... to improve us.... my ohh my thats as good as the Hindus of the Eiffel tower not wanting to talk to female humans.... and France should go on a sex strike until theyve been educated....

all Christianity (As my chronicle will soon show, ALWAYS is sexist at root.... and i have a pet babe  Bishop - 4th ever in UK, first in Wales,  in my gang...or did but i can get her back....

her picture from Wiki AFTER her male bosses had so so stabbed her in the back  her doing her dream job " i was a Corby babe and as soon as he was thrust upon us, would preach JC Corbyn the second comming,  from my pulpit .... at least he may bring your rents down...it was extraordinary even in my then stone age Welsh chapel the congregation DOUBLED Simon...doubled overnight!.... . and they viciously used my spikey thing to stick it up under my cassocks and gouge out my heart....my bosses..."

before they gouged out her insides.... just a year or so before...

 a truly ruddy cheeked outdoorsy babe ...)

Anyway not my gig even if i spent what was it 347.5 hrs counselling her starting 3 years back... " Jo... as you said when we met in the rains that day .... YOU AGREED ...your crappy religion at least says one great thing... 'bear witness'...not revenge not any of that ranty stuff from your 'i am an arsey god, with anger issues' ....just telling the story....   so when are we doing your memoirs its a fab story..Silas brought to life in this century almost...."

and 347 hrs sergeant majoring, even if there's NO point in UK " I WANT YOU TO LIVE..... you too know the evil of the so called hierarchies in Pays Du Galles.... one day you could tell my lass to her face and we both know you never dare mention any sky faeries in MY presence...only interested in good works on this putrid planet....now...so.... WALK...you live ON it - Raynors embezzled Salt Path... babe [ actual wording a fine woman knows when she at least was one] ... WALK... waddle at first ...crawl....  sweat grunt .... whatever it takes to get that body using its OWN not some made up god's immune system to kick the fucker out ..... "

never listened...only moaned

until The Black Swan event..

And we a year ago went to have lunch with her

"Jo you look like your picture before the crucifix was stuck up where the sun don't shine...and twisted gleefully by those jealous bosses.... so as to really ruin your day... 

"now...can we PLEASE work on yer preachin technique....as you're the ONLY one ive ever met who makes me larrfffff....

" a bit of head wobble perraps..... and we need HIS tambourine man.... there's a whole REAl religion in you babe especially tellin me how your 10 billion quid load of conmen USED to have a YAnk ACLU system actually doing GOOD WORKS for the pestilent leppers all the peeps became.... ...."

 skip the crappy bimbo one and get to that for them Angloshpherics...wisdom no good

Anyway there's no hope....NO ENGLISH CAN SPEAK ANY LANGUAGE 

and as for even knowing what  denk niet met je hoofd, maar voel het met je hart

means ion the heart....or if it's the right 'saying'...? hmm to be cont

But then i met the second  Double Dutches, Andrea and hub, who at least spoke one language we both understood - that of wonderful regenerative farming, them and their fifty moo cows...." wetoo know the fifty hectare farm is far better for the beasts..."

 

oops so many bits missed.... yes to hear that so much of British comes from his biblical reworking just so Henry could divorce one babe chop her head off and then marry another really does take the biscuit ...but then also a very good program yesterday on hos so much of so called 'English' is indeed almost exactly, FRENCH...

Or gren ...from grenouille...if you are me and try and make icebreaker funny leg-pulling comments with all peoples everywhere ...who are pretty much the same.... (except most of the English), even if they have been conned otherwise.

I do hope someone sent Tommy and Nige the memo... that may shut em up a tad with their vile immobaitin' nonsense in a land where one can almost only ever have GREAT chats with the immos... as they speak finest lingua franca, ENGLISH.... and ALSO ....say what they mean and mean what they say....  

Ten years of chronicles,  diaries, on the failed quest,  do show....

zeg wat je bedoelt en meen wat je zegt..(sounds actually quite a simple language? hmmm never had truly intimate knowledge of it except one fabulous so kindly and noble,  Amsterdam day...) ... my personal theocracy...

(as it is the ONLY way you can raise children so that they are sane, and the inability to even know that in Britain started eighteen years ago.... and i shall take you back to HIM... the first of the worse culprits, in his Fun House... soon - and he was my semi-adopted  mentoree... tragedy...and if anyone thinks they can either raise or create a kid in UK and be free from the disease he had already caught by then, theyre fruitloops....)

'Double Dutch' you may well think...

but don't until one has at least waffled for a few hours...

Unplanned. And 'got' to where i just know old Babb, didn't.... UNPLANNED. Even if best ever mood due wonderful rather sublime weekend. Unplanned. (more on that later already in the can)

AUDIO (long waffly unplanned) called i forget: what one would say to ANY parent of kids in UK, living, or even yet to be....

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PfuHoJspWb0C14Ek3L4QXEeM7n1AhwME/view?usp=sharing

And to quote Andrea, One of them  who wanders in to my openplan office, just now as i upload that

asking, as i like to, for otherpeoples turns of phrase,  'sayings' .... 

 denk niet met je hoofd, maar voel het met je hart

ahahhhh....but there is a next video, god her belly laughter was actually REAL!!?? ..i think...no, i know

Nowso, the typos.... agghhh..... but the daft thing is far too many slightly interesting things keep happening.

 ...to sit still for the days that i need to begin to tidy up, what i've no idea is for.... other than to do it.

But it's ending now.... now!

so many interesting little wordings ...except the one you need...

THE fullest resumption of all the left out bits. Today.....nice full battery once more.... even if 'now' doesn't exist.

Poor Mister Toller... and all my stuff even if this has been the skimming along the surface version, for far too long, no toll.  As it's so much fun for ..me. 

add in to the thread one.

 To the mum of, them..... halfies, mongrels,  i assume

' ai ' decided which way round, me saving 1% battery just in case....

"[ west german even if they don't any more define West is best East had least] no... we dont need to . panic

  .... numbers all that matter in any democratic

arrangement.... one outlier,  nutjob result

when sixty million still  vote social democrat

not in any way  anything to stop us TALKING with them, now...too... dont be a hysterical twat"

nowso, maybe that is better, i am only 100% loyal to at least 50% European blood...

 ( in this picture there is real ' tragedy' if married with the as always 100% impromptu

jottin' below)

and this needs that audio " if i had more than an hour with a lovely childborne, Eurobabe ...so softly explaining why.... really to unemigrate.". as is in my audio ' can' can put up in a bit ...

this below is part of it - the other bit woven in.... upon it what ' it' is...not this putrid fantasy unartifact

just as example....

wrong way round

p3

p2 

p1

but dont judge ME

yet

as at last a purest example of how even British babes

in our magyc circle

can be so gorgeously human

and 'get' it...

" here i want to give you a hug...."

" ehhh lass ..your implying  i seem like i may need one.... .. for all you know im down at Plymouth ho

every eve seeking some 'SAFE space' where they sell pay-as-you-go

even if its a contract  version i sought ...

no aversion, to committment, for life

no get out clause,

now.... it .... your 'job' end project

could have two of them....

fine by metoo ..."

god she laughed and i know it was real

unfootweared babes.... ( my 'un' everything, now a poetical response response to Andy Pandys ' un thatch or unMaggie your rotting tin roofs he pledges when he has as much chance of digging up the millionaires hedges never mind fences ...to be cont)

well they know ... you dont need the ridiculous overbearin winter wear

if they do ever need to " kick in the balls" 

Now.... oops, so, indeed eureka, no exclamation mark as they are always a ain attempt to deride the non-writing that uses them

 ,,,At ....The....Stone...

I found it. Even if one always loses that wish, along the way knowing they, Ms Twice Agrees... won't be there.... they never are...

But at least i have in a walking waffle actually what i needed to define.

It is built upon an imaginary conversation with the perfect imaginary  mother of an eleven and fifteen year old, what you would say to her if you had Pablo Neruda's " we have to be speaking for an hour for a conversation to actually begin..." the real version of why any even ex euro bird should take them away... from here, especially if your whole heart and whole lifetime of truth ere in that... why.

BUt we can't only be 'negative'  -  the new fascism of all must only be 'nice' even a thick yank Lionel Shriver figured out, as the problem..

So it is woven in to the truly best word ever. 

even better than saudade... and all along i had forgotten that this word must not just be intellectual knowing, it must be of feeling, too...

and it really is better  - my version, that any words even Mister William Quack Quack Turner could manage even if he painted the gloomy part of it...

And Mister BAbb Oxford Don OF it couldn't figure what it really ..IS...I know he would cry into his teacup in my face...

And i have it....because of her..... and her two agreements... as it is for her.... the skeptic, which of course is a banned word even in safer Northern Dooneshire..

Never mind i must go and throw myself off a better bridge there with delight  at at last i do get it 

But .... i know even a one dimensional English could get it, too... as it is what they're all afraid of deep down...

To be cont as just when i really have 'it' plus  the reasons why you get your kids out  tailor made for a good mind and ive met so few...

and it;'s all ready to stick here... not enough laptop battery and the meanest cheapest readers ever in history arent worth me even going for a cheap lemonade  to go and plug in...

she knew...i hope.... i cared, and likely wouldn't know that anyone elses kids are equal to anyone else's if you like them all always no matter what....

but it is the narcissus thats the prob... three years wandering this pestilent place except MY Stone up in them hills... it is that they pimp 'change' it's all they can bleat  when in fact pone thing i know as outsider looking in... pure European all are equal  all must be equally accepted and all that...

thing is here...change has not really been possible (nothing much even to do wioth matters 2016) .....change takes such a long long time.... REAL change... really we don't at our core...and yet thats what they all pay into and profit from day after day the notion it can happen...even easily.

And i know one thing... the true   toxic stressy parenting thats gradually got worse and worse these last 20 odd years... not only has that NOT changed other than get worse, it wont either for years.. real change is very very hard work.. and first requiring the acceptance, youtoo 

which not one of them ever CAN say..... its always someone else....ive never known a region of everyone else is so at fault ...

to be cont and finished tomor

audio: heres why if i had had another hour...

 

Silly me, one forgets one is in this child abusing (fact the data say and i don''t mean the kiddie fiddlin they have FAR less of in Europe too, ) country of a society

 using ones own story partly as foundation, quite correctly 

https://www.ralphschism.com/2026/09/how-to-cure-all-yer-adhd-autism-ocd.html

i always forget the punch lines as i never plan ANYthing or react to anything or anyone, or make notes..

there being no point to state, regarding the above splendid REAL waffle about how you vaccinate your people against it all too...

 " by the age of 30 [especially 32, after 2 years as slave to someone else's children SO SO lovingly.... all kids are equal and can be loved equally irrespective of the seed... ]  i was  95% NORMAL.... and maybe by 25 years ago, 100% NORMAL....." 

why because in UK its somehow offensive and ignorant to say THERE IS A NORMAL... really thats what every conversation with every British woman for 15+ years is polluted by... they know there is no 'normal' never mind it being so so not desirable, even if it were possible...

Such as a splendid evening last early evening, but still remembering  even 25 years ago a little bit of me would remain somewhere i had had enough of, never mind the lil' drinkin' devil would just be hiding around the corner of some or other dead end street  - cul-de-sac, in my head....   the one that is even if it never actually came back " you will want ten more if you have even one.."

knowing that is WRONG, that you can move out of that even if fully by age 27, still you dont really FULLY until you do causes or other people ONE HUNDRED PERCENT  selflessly in that link  above and https://www.ralphschism.com/p/mental-elf-roundup.html

no one even knows,..... knew....  and no one will ever give me even a kiss of thanks never mind buy ME a coffee well one guy did once for  20 euros but even he has run away crying...

But thats just irrelevant when you can't even say " normal is.....  had such   wonderful late afternoon... felt like " i have earned a twice a year pint...ok lets do it..." such a  queue at bar  after lil' miss "I agree" had left... forget it 

and knowing one has had a splendid time a bit later meander back to the tin can wondering should i pop back later... and realising as always up at 6am latest its so nice to have omnes sleep by tennish... the fine day fading from view in ones minds eye...

and awaking as usual at 545ish... as usual a first ten mins just enjoying coffee and naughty roll up.... my only regret and never smoked near a kid ... but still...

even if even him and i made friends yesteraft over his cut price, imports....

but then immediately within 30 seconds a face crystalises in ones minds eye... 

picture perfect...

as if speaking again face to face... 

and the thoughtbubble: "well as long as my mind still acts 100% as it had become, 100% normal....  that's what memory, methinks, by nature was invented, for... i wouldnt be able to do THAT still if my mind and all the rest of it wasnt 100% simple normal....always.... 

" shame none of em on this aisle want that any more..or for some years, even longer.... thats what their crap self pitying society did to them...forget them, but she did have a lovely serene easy simple face, my favourite kind...... i wonder if she even  knows...i'll never know but at least my mind is 100% nuclear tipped...NORMAL...

"what i knew for sure in my earlier personhood i certainly could never be...." 

as of course all british children for about 15 years nothing to do with 'social media', by teachers politicians all those lanyardists....  have been brainwashed into KNOWING for sure..does not exist

Exactly, all the last fifty years can be plotted out all adhd ish.... in

 actual  real performance

a woman who is esteemed into BEING facts 

Merge this

with this load of performed girly wanna be a rockstar crap, not her fault just didnt have the cultural construct to not fake it.... 

trying to shock when all they're trying to do is have as big a rockstar motor as Mister Cash...

And you get the olne who was FAR more Trump than Trump, and INVENTED Trump 

but you can't say that to an English girly...

so thick she can't even bitch about FACTS,  such as the black man ( i was conned into taking my lass to see his 'people'celebrating in London) kept up the highest spend on Mad Max ever, or as good as.... 

never mind 

 

The Obama administration has cut fewer nuclear weapons than any other post-Cold War administration.

But far far too long of explaining " even Lorna Doone   1976  BBC version on Youtube is a superb treatise on pacifism...." to the British and not one can just stop fighting with you...

you know there's no hope

And stupid yanx could never understand.... real cultural critique with soul, and stories.......was all there ever was...

I know what ticket, i want... and the poor Europeans have often become as cynical too.... believing the Anglospheric space cadet  propaganda. ...

(never mind unable to think howe a fine singer equalling Bob in every way, except in feyboy good looks, of course never became his equal..in the record sales dept, but he did in authenticity even keeping that marriage ongoing decades..)

As i once discovered one late afternoon there....

And a train journey later on from there to her home town over the border into Belgium, with  such a lovely at ease woman.... who i was meeting for the second time that day. 

to be cont

Now if only them YAnx hadn't had those hairy homos

 so artless and dour.....

Ramones...

" me ive tried to tell them..... not only when a young man even one with a  penchant for fancy shirts and suits we all rather mocked... put all his violence into the microphone .....

"every bloke pogoing there wouldnt even dream of smashing the camera of the bloke there taking pretty pix......

" its her birthday soon.... i mean she came on the telly only a few years later...and we watched it i don't know if she made it to TOP POP filmed in Rotterdam but i would have refused to fly her over on health and safety grounds, if they had booked me ..... i stuck with the Nanas...  that was enough to be their chaperone one evening in Amsterdam as the drunk Cure were chasing them around with randy intent....  bastards kidnapped my lil' plane to race after them as they had run into the other blokes, which was THEIRS,  screaming  ' emergency exit, NOW...fuckin take off mister driver ...... . theyre gonna mean what they say..... and i got stuck with the piss heads in my tin can, pissing into our picnic box i had to clean later ... an air taxi pilot's life is no different to.... [SHE SAID IT ON WIRELESS FOUR YESTERMORN - this material is only half begun] 

" when we saw her we knew she's utterly insane bonkers  dangerous..... not 'but' just is an even truer true genious..... 

" if there had been a few more Siouxsis in charge all of her speaking of dont you dare come near my gusset unless you have something intyelligent to say....rather than the ones who brag about being intact age quite old..... 

" we wouldnt be here..... but i do think its why the poor little retarded sex criminals over the pond haven't even dared to have a woman president yet..... 

" i mean Patti she was you could see in pain being herself.... and would have a sore crotch from even a  tame nag under her fake punk skirts.... and tell you about it ad nauseum....

...."

He even 'TOUCHED' me without permission!

 So... there you were... age thirteen fourteen...still age sixteen but by then had learned to avoid the boozy lot by running away with the other lot....

And their lil' bit of pot....

REAl 'fear' 's a real thing....

Forget them Sarajevo lot

at least they had some community, and solidarity, 

on the same side, old Jenny Cideres..on it tearin their flesh for a stew

they knew, nothin of why they had to "alchemise" their society

into something else...

In the vile land of Military Industrial Complex, brokerage

at least by the newer agetimes, ninetine nineties they'd learned:

don't be the actual arms dealer Mark Thatcher

son, of the evil one

Nope be the middle man brokerin' them from your houseboat

on that Thames or even Gweek....

there no one will even take a peek

at what's below decks, that's for others to tweak

far away and long ago

Anyway ... saudade is, a moment. 

More than a moment. 

A story. Just tellin' real reality.

The nineteen seventies were less violent (The Luton babe agreed with me just a few weeks ago - her an actual schoolteacher there, my age, and her bloke

"so it it the immos has the Tommy stuff made it all febrile for a while?"

"nope its something else set in a decade or so ago...as you say dont believe the BBC the screwdrivers in the eyes down casualty...  say something that was never said before" )

But more routinely 'violent' in a really rather cider headed way.

Take one lost boy floating around the local waters.

A rat of a brother and runt of a sister, not their fault, sent away to private boarding school 

(ALL MONEY LOST SOME YEARS ON THANG GOD I'M NO FOOL - ALL INHERITED WEALTH FUCKS YOU UP MORE THAN 'MUM AND DAD' )

So even if one - me, age about eleven has a personal quiet revolution 

(ohh ...she is my tutor too, " so was Rasputin a positive revolutionary of a negative one as we have been lead to believe...?" unflinchingly " a positive revolutionary" and she has a daughter she loves) 

 And refuses to go to school away rather staying around the local VERY 'umble yeomanry, mainstay Ralph the first a solid tree of a man taught me my scything the even more important lesson, AND to  sharpen it AFTER the job awaiting the start of the next job..." you would get accused of OCD ADHD if that was your setting nowadays...

So your rat 'n runt are lost forever as you can take the girl out of the private school but not vice a versa... 

And of course both become only shabby celebrity obsessed.... 

and any sane father wants to keep their child away from everything Olly wrote about so well in Affluenza... indeed them. Exactly. 

Which is hard  and requires endless kindly explanation, neutrally,  with story, as one doesn't want to be thought ancient Marxist, but sometimes family can obviously be so guaranteed to fail, as both of them did, to ever even have their own...

As SO many of the very loose 'set' they partly inhabited of the very sparsely scattered 'set' around N Wales of other private school ed kids they knew.. - almost all   who died young and all of whom were obviously as one occasionally saw them into ones later 20s, were really fucked up...and ,many died young.

Anyway good for me revolting.....

But there's one thing you couldn't avoid, in a small very working class ordinary comprehensive, in ones school 'community', age 14 that a few of the thuggish ones  - not many but a few almost exclusively runaways from Liverpool 50km or more away (and no one ever went there in old unreliable motors days, nor thankfully did they come to our hidden valley and hills of paradise) 

they.. the few school bullies, picked on the one who had a brother and sister at the posh schools..

One person alone in my schoolyear was often enough at the disco the one who would be not dancin' with some girl he fancied i still remeber perfectly age 15 and DAwn is there in front circling and she's smiling nicely at last....

And number 1 psycho-lite out of nowhere  his knuckles are hard in my face....again....

That dawn had to be suspended... for a few months anyway

As you skulk away outside, frightened...

Anyway fast forward to yesterday early evening.... I don't go up to English blokes who have that bullneck rather full of steroids look, and say to them...

" mate... how old are you!? ..." " sisxty two..."

" well...ferk me i thought you were younger you look pretty young buck for that age..... but i never imagined it could be done, but  you did it...you did it.....

" i skulked away in my bedroom as a teenager.. fuckhard wildman of the hills bigger than these underwhelming ones up there.... actually gallopin' em to shepherd my sheeps...no helmet.... even once foot went down a bunny hole when i was alone, full tilt...near broke my neck when the nag rolled OVER me it still rings in my head.....

but that's animals they are easy... other blokes fuck......hard

i spent most evenings  raising myself almost exclusively on the likes of ....

" and down the pub Richard Jones or some of his mates would hunt me like a dog they would kick for fun.....

" but one learns to divert to the nicer ones who dont drink so much,....

" anyway... you get down eventually to London or even erics in Liverpool.....

" and you walk in to some dirty....always dirty... pub which hasnt had a lick of paint for years... the smoke tar is the walls....  and there's a noisy vibe to use todays rediculous word...an UNvibe.... everyone there is sort of well they arent quite sure why they are there there's nothing else to do....

" and then he... at first mainly a him, until the girls got rightly into the act too.... he would get up on stage.... no flash gear.... probably cheap guitars cheap drums cheap aftershave even if real men back then knew that only cheap men use that poison....

" you could still see the shaving cuts on his face even if he had only just come of age so as to have a fluff to cut....

" and he would stand there all swiveleye.... almost enraged.... pure rage... pure 

" well its as simple as this he had NOTHING.. he had nowhere else to be or nobody else to be as they hadnt been told by anyone even mum n dad about some of the earlier good stuff.... mum n dad eckerslike down the pub singin Brotherhood of MAn songs ....

" he would stand there welded  AT  his lip, to the microphone singing ...scvreaming..... about how he couldnt even get a job as apprentice welder in Maggie's evil towns twinned with America, now...

"but he wasn't really complaining or moaning....  he just had nothing else to do.... nothing.....

" and in that moment...of rage... pure spittin' and spatterin' with his welded lip so he couldn't even spittlespatter that elegantly unless he spat even stronger and more visciously....

" you just knew even me a bit scared of tough guy blokes....

" that you could go up to him aftershow and in fact pet him on his head... ' you just did it....you found the answer to what is elsewhere...  and he wouldn't glass you even in darkest deepest NAtional Front regions of town..

" he would shake your hand....."

" and that was what real art was for....

" but it was gone... there is no way that moment could be recreated... especially here.... its impossible.....  

" but ... when you played it... when you screamed it...and the whole pub screamed

 "AND A KICK IN THE BALLS..... 

and that Tom Cat....

" i ...well there arent words for the feeling of total paradise ...never mind being reminded London could once do poetry perfection..... 

" but you did summit even better.... you also were all the rest of them spotty lads who knew they would never get on the telly...or even one day become  even he blotted his copybook to say the least with his support of 'Deaf to the ID deathsqauds..... '

"you somehow were all of them rolled into one.....  the unseen lads who all they had was that microphone...and turned it into a white flag, pasted onto Siouxsi's perfect  gusset, too.....  

" there's no way anyone could ever have taken me back into that Camden pub in 1978 or nine ...... not even promoted... him  - the violent thug, at the mic...  maybe Polly Styrene queued up for her turn next as pure equal.... and even she knew she wanted to take him home to meet her moggies... and purr at him....

because..... he had found his purpose.... and all his rage and hurt went into what really was the greatest art...ever....  even if i prefered my Queen Joan....

(three chats rolled up into one for artsistic intent)

" bugger me though... just as you had finished these birds walked in and unlike nowadays i just made a friendly quip....

" and this perfect one as if one was back in that pub in Camden in 1978 ... as i to allay the death cult hall of mirrors everyone else is stuck ion i gave her my real version of Britalin..... and ferk me she didnt do THE POGO at me slanted into me with razor blades in herr fringe they all do..... she said twice, she agreed....with me.....lovely smiley agreement just simple old saudade style....

" what am i doin' chattin' with you ... a man can't live on us old geezers knowing what was once good.....  i gotta go and find her.... "

"Hint Hint...I'll be up there, at...

 ...The Stone...."

where i have spent a lot of the last few months with a good book and sunshine,  in almost paradise..(" the cleanest waters runnin' by in the whole of this polluted land") .. not a bit of malice in sight... nor even a phone signal.

Now...... it's all very simple. Saudade, i STILL must get back to finally riffing upon -  the rematch, is real.

I mean never mind the truly Greatest Beauty (by far, of the whole region, bet she knows it too, even if too humble to ever admit ot or say so ) who i thought was snubbing me, actually calling across the street sweetly a greeting,  from under her bicycle helmet, which makes her look so much less beaut ...  covers up her glorious silverishness.... it actually shocked me, but that's not a  saudade as no one ever in the past in my whole life, has ever  made a point of being overtly greeterly to me....

But a saudade actually is, knowing as i know that there's no real fellowship in the region, and anyway long ago i gave up ALL nightime activity or even daytime 'event' attendence...

But then she..or i should say THEY - Mister and Missus Ruskie, even if he is a rare Brit who is above all nationality ....may be around and she makes me so ridiculously happy....  so i thought i may see them again...

(later on, at dusk " ehh up duck.... look ...your missus when i gave her the culture list you failed to EDUCATE her with and said i have put on it films that didnt require thinking in the required four dimensions, as she was busy with the to quote her 'fucking evil, useless Tsarist ' tradespeople who wont fix her kitchen equipment...for months.... she without a millisecond barks at me ' you think im a retard..' at that millisecond i fell in luv.... she MUST be the leader - she alone can save us...all our children yours too.... i am grooming her....  she still wont listen to me when i told her if she went down there where they're all gathered now and used that word fairly loudly there would be a stunned silence...and then booing.....and as for the 's' word.... from Ian Drury's  FABULOUS artsongs... that would get her arrested..."

"whats this word i need to know!!???  he is saying here... silly man thinks they would dare arrest ME.....  ....why haven't you TOLD me it you retard...thirty years on uneducating me in our marital bed......i need to know it...NOW ... you have held OUT on me!" )

Anyway....saudade is something that a realistic non mentally ill European knows yes its kindof long gone in the past the good version of life.....

yes if you fight or just PERSIST..or like Pereira, you Maintain... maybe you may just get lucky and win in the end as he does at Rua Saudade in that wonderful book of EUROPEANS STILL WANT TO LIVE ON....

without pills. That really arent good for your kids or their buddies - uk went RITOLIN 30 years ago for gods sake despite it being offcially unethical to test drugs on children... far far moreso than any European nation

and THIS is the result:

 https://www.simonclayton2020.com/2026/09/now-sunday-morning-and-her-eyes-dont.html

why for 25 years i say to all parents "if you love your 11 year old...never mind 15, their mates on ket or enough of them even here...[ i have footage of the many gathered ket smokers at Southern Cornwall cliffs especially the posher places like Porthleven...EVERY day at schools out time..] . .find a way sooner or later to escape..... as even if they are raised brilliantly and all free range half their mates are permanently rewired in the head in a not very good way..."

Anyway.... so, even Portuguese rules of saudade also says its DEFINATELY not possible to get 'it' back - that which was really good, once,,,

That which is simple.....sweet...lovely and healthy....

And there you are in the very last place in the Swestershire drug factory you know you wont find it.....

Part 1 

AND part 2...

of finding them both.

In a bit